


A Commentary on Thaumaturgy

by hisen



Series: Thaumaturgy [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Author Commentary, DVD Commentary Challenge, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 11:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30037923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisen/pseuds/hisen
Summary: I wrote a fic called Thaumaturgy a couple of years ago. This is a commentary on that fic, focusing on the writing process, ideas that did and didn't happen, changes between drafts, my obssession with parallels, my research and oh, some things that were just implied or weren't noticed by the POV characters.If that sounds at all interesting to you...enjoy!
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou
Series: Thaumaturgy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2209632
Comments: 5
Kudos: 3
Collections: DVD Commentary Challenge





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the DVD commentary challenge. This is designed to be read alongside my fic [Thaumaturgy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18564352/chapters/44004427) and will not make sense by itself. All the content warnings in the original fic apply here as well. Like an actual DVD commentary, I talk a lot and it’s kind of random what I do discuss.

# Introduction:

I picked this fic because it's my longest, both in length and the time between when I started it and when I finished it. So there's a lot I can talk about. If you want to comment on a random aspect of it, please do without feeling like you have to finish the whole thing. 

Since I did a revision of this fic in the past year, I am mostly going to be focusing in this commentary on how I wrote it, ideas that did and didn't happen, the changes between drafts/outlines, the background for the OCs I came up with that didn't show up on page, and the research. Also things that the POV characters didn't notice but were there, and in this I can point at them and go 'look! Look at this thing that was there!' to my heart's content. There were some points where I felt like I was banging my head against a wall while writing, however, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. The joys of writing.

### Background:

I originally started this story with a different title (Silver Lines and Red Strings - I was never happy with that title and didn't hesitate to drop it as soon as I thought of a better one) and plot back in late 2011. At that time, soulmates AUs were just starting to become popular and weren't as ubiquitous as they are now. I read one that had 'names on hands' soulmate marks, which was still a novel concept in itself. This made me think 'huh, I wonder how it'd apply to Kakashi and Yamato. Wait, what name would Kakashi even have on his hand? We don't know what Yamato's real name is. Huh. Maybe that'd be the central conflict in a soulmates AU for them'. I wrote about 2000 words based on that thought, but dropped it due to RL time pressures but also not being sure where to go after that. I'm glad I did stop, because canon hadn't finished yet and even more importantly, the Kakashi ANBU arc hadn't been aired. 

So, six years later, I'm digging through old files on my laptop and I reread what I wrote back then. Hey, this idea isn't half bad, I think to myself. Maybe I could do a quick reread of the manga and finish it off. It'd be, what, a couple of thousand words?

It wasn't. In the first draft it was brief scenes from their lives. I wanted to write something meatier and kept thinking of new ideas to add to it. So it grew until it finally capped out at over 85,000 words, and that's the story of how this fic came into being! I also have several different versions of this fic (including the gdocs versions), a notes document that has cut scenes, as well as most of my outlines, so I can also look back and see how it changed while I was writing and editing.

### Rough timeline:

First draft: December 2011  
Second draft: September 2018 - April 16 2019  
Edit: 16 to 23 April 2019  
Revision (mostly cutting out commas and some rewriting but no plot changes): 14 June 2020

I've split this into five parts to match how I divided this fic, plus this separate introduction. The outro stays as part of Part Five because that's only one chapter. I make the rules here.


	2. Part One

# Part One: Before

Oooh, I got fancy with splitting these into parts with their own titles. I thought of them early on in the second draft and they stayed throughout. They fitted to what I was trying to do. The poems do feel a bit pretentious but they really did help guide me thematically through each part.

> Working, working.  
>  Yet no joy in life,  
>  Still staring emptily  
>  At empty hands.

Ishikawa Takuboku

Symbolic for the hands element, and also for how hard they're both working in this part. I read it and went 'this absolutely nails what I want here'. I don't think I can offer a verdict on how effective it was.

### Chapter One:

So, Chapter One! This chapter was nearly unchanged from when I first wrote it in 2011, until I finally revised it in April 2019 after completing the whole fic and doing the last edit of it. When I first wrote it, it was from Sakumo's POV and a lot shorter. He was the one who checked Kakashi's hands and found there was no name on them. Ume didn't really do much apart from lie there and cry. I felt that this was boring when I reread it and I wanted to do more with her. Tenzo's mother got some characterisation, why didn't Ume? First step was to give her a name and then I developed her from there. 

I also put in some plot-relevant elements that weren't present in the first draft. Kakashi's parents being soulmates was mentioned in the story later, but I wanted to tell how that happened and how Ume hadn't cared about soulmates until hers dropped into her lap. She's sharp-edged, practical and very independent. I like the headcanon that Sakumo comes from a family that were originally samurai, and so I made Ume from a regular, normal ninja family. I like talented people not always coming from super special families. There's not a lot of that in Naruto, hah.

I also thought it'd be a contrast from Tenzou's parents that Kakashi's parents were soulmates that met each other at exactly the right time. It also gave weight to why Kakashi cared so much about it, if he's heard from Sakumo how it all just fell into place for them. I feel like Sakumo would have told it in a way that made it sound more romantic and weighty than how Ume would have told Kakashi. It'd probably have left him with a lot less baggage about soulmates if she'd survived, but alas, canon said no.

There's some stuff that I'm looking at here that I'd still like to fiddle around with, but I think it's too late now. Is the opening line okay? I still don't know but I don't know what I could replace it with either. The "Calm, ready, for this most difficult of missions. Parenthood" line is cheesy, I knew it was cheesy when writing it but I love it and wanted to keep it, so I did. 

"Kakashi's hand remains free of writing. The name of his soulmate doesn't appear." This is the only line to have survived from the first draft completely intact. It just worked I guess!

### Chapter Two:

I don't want to go so deep into the background of Tenzo's parents here because unlike Ume, they get some more backstory later on. One of the things I kept doing in this fic was going hard with the parallels, and these two chapters are an example of that. The contrast between the two sets of parents, one set being soulmates who had an easy journey and the other who were not but might have been able to make it if he hadn't died. I was sure that they weren't soulmates right from the start, but I ended up fleshing this out much more. In that first draft, it was 'just' a fling, but it goes from that to a brief relationship that might have been more if circumstances had been on their side. Despite being a soulmates AU, I wanted to weave in that not everyone finds their 'soulmate', particularly ninjas, and that happiness is still possible even with that. 

There's also the contrast between Kakashi's birth, which was physically difficult but with Ume surrounded by people who cared for her and his parents ready to love him, and Tenzo's birth, which is relatively physically easy but difficult in every other sense. I severely rewrote the part about the birth and pregnancy too when I picked this back up, because I was much better versed on pregnancy and birth from seeing people I knew irl go through it as an adult, if not myself. Oh, and I wanted to make it clear why exactly she didn't realise she was pregnant. It does happen, but I also think there were some signs which she subconsciously recognised but ignored because she couldn't handle it. 

The sentence about Obon was a relatively late addition, when I realised Tenzo's birthday (10 August) is close to the holiday (starts 13 August) and so the cucumber horses and eggplant cows left as part of the celebrations would have still been there when she went to tell him. I don't think I used a specific source for Obon, I'm a weeb so I've seen it in other series I've read. This webpage is good if you're not familiar with the holiday and would like to know more: <https://www.kyotogram.com/2017/08/10/vegetable-creatures-way-honoring-ancestors/>

The last addition to this chapter was the scene with her running into Sakumo and Kakashi when she leaves the cemetery. I wanted the one-two punch of her realising she won't get over her partner's death or her abandonment of Tenzo, but also that it was too late to fix it. Plus the irony of her running into her child's soulmate without anyone involved realising it. 

GOD I love my commas, they're everywhere. I swear I'm getting better on this point, honest! This comment applies throughout, I'm just not going to say it every time hah.

### Chapter Three:

This told and didn't show Kakashi's run-in with the other kids in the first draft, so I rewrote it to make it more interesting. Plus I liked tiny Kakashi throwing hands with a kid much bigger than him and winning because he fights smart instead of hard. Rereading the first draft, it doesn't get across that Kakashi here is much more like his actual age and hasn't had those adult responsibilities that Sakumo's fall from grace forces onto him yet.

The part where Kakashi realises that Sakumo doesn't have an answer feels so significant to me. It's the start of Sakumo very slowly starting to slide off his pedestal, and Sakumo's reassurance in light of what follows, yikes. He's not wrong but it makes Sakumo leaving Kakashi even more painful. 

"No. Even if there's nobody on your hand, it doesn't mean that you'll be alone. That person isn't the only person who will love you. Your name isn't on my hand but I still love you, right?" This line is unchanged from when I first wrote it. Everything else got rewritten, multiple times but this survived.

### Chapter Four:

I rewrote "The orphan, a boy of many names, none of them belonging to him, is very good at sneaking around." so many times. I think I finally got it but it was a nightmare getting there. In the first draft, the discussion between the two members of staff is just given as narration. I adjusted it to something Tenzo overheard to show that even at that age, he's already developing some ninja skills, and also because the orphanage staff wouldn't discuss that with him directly. Ideas above his station etc. etc. 

Even in Fire Country, which has relatively good relations with its ninja village, I think there's some resentment towards them from certain civilians. It's not something that comes up much in canon, at least not without them being won over, but I wanted to have some characters who don't like them and don't change their minds. Hence, the little speech about ninjas sucking.

One of the running themes in this story is Tenzo missing chances to find out who his parents were or about his past. The vest is one such chance. By the time he realises that the scrolls might help him find his parents, it's vanished after his kidnapping. 

I'm intentionally vague about what characters they actually have on their hands, as in, is it katakana or kanji. I couldn't decide so I just went with characters so they're whatever you'd like them to be best. 

Tenzo discovering that he has 'scarecrow' written on his hand was always there, right from the start. If you had a random word on your hand and you'd never heard of the concept of your soulmate's name on your hand, you probably wouldn't make that connection either. I didn't plan it to come back up right in the final chapter either, so that was one of those 'hey there's a chance to do something here' moments. 

The book he's reading is inspired by my own childhood love of books like Richard Scarry's Busy Busy World and similar books. The small little details were always great in those books and I was fascinated by them.

"He doesn't get it. Why does he have scarecrow written on his hand?" This line is also unchanged from the first draft. What is with the last lines of the early chapters staying the same throughout drafts? I wish I could say it was the clarity of my vision or something but I think it's a coincidence.

### Chapter Five:

I ended up rewriting half of this chapter just before I posted it. It was a very last minute change but I read it before I posted and went 'hm, no, I want to look at this again'. There was no real conclusion to the chapter in that first draft, and it focused more on the red strings aspect than anything else. I kept that but shifted the focus a little. An example of how this started out very focused on the soulmate aspect but the more I wrote, the more the focus shifted to their relationships. This reflects that Soulmate AUs were so mainstream by the time I rewrote this, it didn't need that level of explanation. It's a less novel concept now. I do like Kakashi asking how does anyone know that it's red if it's invisible. It feels like a very pre-bridge Kakashi point. 

The majority of the rewrite was after Kakashi yells at Kushina. I had him walk out originally without Minato doing anything, but I thought about it and realised that I don't think Minato would allow Kakashi to treat her like that. 

I also made Kakashi's reasoning much more childish too. He might be going out on missions but he's still a kid at this stage, and a kid who wants to be treated as older than he is. Kakashi doesn't lose his temper often, even at this age, and I wanted it to have the weight that it would have. "Are you going to lose your temper too the next time someone else finds out?" I think this is an important point, echoes a later chapter (!) and is what Minato would be concerned about as well as his rudeness.

The part with Kushina accepting his apology I really enjoyed writing to display her more boisterous side. A lot of what we see of her in canon as an adult in flashbacks is her being pretty mature, and I like the side of her that Naruto inherited too. She's doing her big grin at Kakashi too, even if it's not particularly effective on him.

It was also in that final rewrite I added the final paragraphs about love. This miiight have been inspired by a comment left on Chapter Three about the "No. Even if there's nobody on your hand, it doesn't mean that you'll be alone. That person isn't the only person who will love you. Your name isn't on my hand but I still love you, right?" line. Kakashi gets a lot of pressure applied by the people around him having found their soulmates, without them realising they're doing it, while Kakashi doesn't even stand a chance if he wanted to have a soulmate from his POV. He's also still reeling from Sakumo's death even if he's hiding that he is.

### Chapter Six:

This chapter got a big rewrite too, although that was during my final edit instead of when I started posting. I wanted Tenzo to act childish too, and I imagine little kids with a lot of chakra and zero control over it are potentially very dangerous. Plus, parallel to the previous chapter with losing tempers, just with different consequences. Again, this was more telling than showing in the first draft so I fleshed it out. The scene with the ninja in the office being asked to take him to Konoha, is practically unchanged however. Every time I have a random OC show up in this fic, I try to make them female if possible, because in the manga it's always random OC male ninjas. I'm not claiming this as a great victory against sexism, just something I wanted to do to contrast to canon. 

The image of Tenzo in the too large clothes that belong to someone else kind of breaks my heart. Poor kid has nothing of his own, apart from that vest, at this point. 

"See you in a couple of weeks, kid." Then she vanishes in smoke and leaves, and he's too transfixed to hear the grumbling about the mess she's left from behind him. He's going to learn how to do that. He's going to become a ninja." Hah, this is again unchanged from the very first draft! This keeps happening, what's up with that.

### Chapter Seven:

Hello, this is the first chapter that didn't start out from the first draft from 2011 and instead came in when I picked this back up in 2018. I was considering if I should include Kakashi having a one-sided and hopeless crush on Minato, and I decided to go for it. How to realise that, though? Oh, why doesn't he steal one of Jiraiya's books to find out what sex is and ending up even more confused by it? It also fits into why he's always reading his books as an adult too. Reading such a book at a young age would definitely impact on your development! 

"To love someone else. Something more dangerous than any S-Rank mission." I just realised this parallels Ume's comments about parenthood. Damn, I didn't even intend that. Yeah it's just as cheesy here but it's Jiraiya's writing, I feel like his books are very cheesy aside from the porn. And the porn is so flowery that a twelve year old who doesn't know about sex would struggle to understand it. 

"Is that the secret that everyone is keeping from him? That adults make weird poses with each other in private? He can't imagine what it means or why they're doing it, or what a 'secret spot' is, unless she's about to pull a hidden kunai out of it." I feel like Kakashi is imagining Guy-level weird poses here. Just to really add to the vibe of 'what are these adults even DOING'. 

This chapter is pretty funny but there's a sad edge to it too. Kakashi is working so hard at being this great, unfeeling ninja who's always following the rules and doesn't feel love that when he feels something properly, even from a cheesy book written for pay, it hits him really, really hard because he's repressed so much. Minato kind of gets the wrong end of the stick here too, he focuses more on 'oh no please don't use sensei's porn as a guide to romance, PLEASE' instead of 'it's okay to feel love, even if you get hurt', although he correctly does get that Kakashi feels insecure because of the lack of a name on his hand.

"Minato flicks through his new book, before freezing on one page and blushing as he snaps the book shut." Oh yeah, that page is a diagram of PIV sex. Minato being a very good ninja but awkward with interpersonal stuff sometimes really amuses me. He's better than Kakashi but that's not really saying much!

The gap between the theory of two people having sex, and Minato and Kushina actually doing it was something I felt was really important. It's the sort of idea that's easy to understand in abstract, but to realise people around you have probably done it can be a shock at that age. Especially considering the baby crush Kakashi has on Minato and hasn't realised until the end of the scene. 

I wanted the proper guide Kakashi got to reassure him that being attracted to the same gender is not a bad thing and as normal as being attracted to the opposite gender. I realise that canon is sometimes not that good on sexuality issues but I wanted him to have that much to reassure him. 

This chapter is quite long but I think it works. Even if it's obvious on reflection it's a chapter I wrote later, when I realised this was a long-haul story instead of a series of short scenes all together.

### Chapter Eight:

I probably should have made this chapter longer, it's so short but I felt like it'd be overwriting it if I added anymore. On reflection, this is probably my least favourite chapter. I still feel like I should have done something else that had a similar outcome but I never thought of anything better.

I wrote a separate, stand-alone fic back in 2011 which focused on Tenzo's time when he was being experimented on by Orochimaru and flashbacks he had to his past. I ended up cannibalising a large percentage of that fic for a later chapter but this chapter was based on a few lines about him trying to master a water jutsu with his jounin-sensei. That jounin-sensei was a guy and much less of a hardass than Ishii-sensei ended up being. I thought with how strict Tenzo is about certain things when he's older, it made more sense for him to have a hardass sensei than a relaxed one. This is a relatively relaxed moment for them though. She's tough but she does love him.

Also a moment where Tenzo notices the soulmate names but doesn't realise what they mean! Again, contrast to Kakashi's experience where he's much more aware of it than he ever wanted to be.

### Chapter Nine:

This was the first chapter that was in the big outline I spent a week writing up. I really enjoyed writing the argument between Team Minato. Ironically, this chapter kind of proves Minato earlier right about losing his temper when someone asks about the marks. Rin spots it immediately, even though Obito, poor clueless idiot, doesn't. 

Rin is also the first person to suggest to Kakashi that perhaps the soulmate mark doesn't mean that much in the end. This might possibly be more influenced by who she has on her hand than she'd admit, but it's a good point even if it doesn't sink in with Kakashi yet. He's still hurting too much from Sakumo's suicide to even consider it properly. 

Obito accidentally stepping on that landmine of Kakashi's insecurity is very like him (or at least, pre-Madara him). This didn't change much during editing, it came out fully formed and I didn't need to do much with it.

### Chapter Ten:

I messed up the timeline when I first wrote this and had Minato as Hokage. Whoops! I guess I just wanted that sweet Tenzo and Minato interaction. Some of the Third's dialogue is probably more suitable for Minato but he did care about teamwork too. I still wish it was Minato here though, hah. Just not to be.

I feel like Ishii-sensei could do with being a little kinder to Tenzo, he's still such a kid here, but I just think she's not the kind of person who expresses her feelings. I like the fact she's messy and not really a suitable person to be mentoring a small kid but is trying her best. If she'd realised Tenzo genuinely didn't understand what she meant by referring to the name on her hand, she would have told him, but alas, another lost opportunity for Tenzo to find out about it. 

The pop quiz thing was a way of explaining why Tenzo cares so much about addressing people correctly when he's not a stickler on being deferentaly to them at all, and how he knows it when he spent his first couple of years outside of Konoha. His sensei might miss the soulmate marks, but she got him covered on this! 

"Idiot. Did you really think I didn't care about you? I'm not one of those senseis who gushes over their charges, it's not how I lead, but of course I care about you. You're my student, you're very talented and able, that's why I push you so hard. And I'll protect you from any creep trying to kidnap you. So you really shouldn't worry." The irony is so strong here, but she really does mean it. The hug they share after this is one of the few times I imagine that they've done it, and it's a little under duress for her. Poor baby Tenzo.

### Chapter Eleven:

Okay, so how on earth did Obito think that Rin didn't have his name on her hand? Seems obviously wrong, right? Well, Obito, like Tenzo, is an orphan and never asked his grandma about this sort of thing. So he was aware of the general concept, that your soulmate's name is on your hand, but not that people have matching names and that's how it works. Just the right mixture of knowledge and ignorance for one smart ass kid to try it out just to see his reaction and to be more successful than they'd ever assume they could be. I assume that Rin found out about it from another student at the Academy after Obito's very brave, heroic death and they felt guilty about it. 

One day I'm going to write the more Rin focused fic of my dreams, I swear. I really like her and I wish I'd done more with her in this fic. But I also wouldn't want her to have canon's older Obito as her end-game haha. So something non-soulmate related. 

I would have felt like an asshole if I'd written this chapter back in 2011, before the 'Obito is still alive' reveal. I ended up canning at least two fics after that (one I never posted and a third chapter of Departure that I never wrote), fortunately this one didn't have that issue. Not gonna lie though, this is part of the reason I ended this fic at the point I did instead of getting to the Fourth Ninja War Arc. Imagine adult Obito with his 'YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT MY SOULMATE' angst. I didn't want to get into that.

### Chapter Twelve:

This is the last chapter that comes from what I wrote back in 2011. After this it was all planned and written in 2018/19. So the stand-alone fic I mentioned cannibalising before? A lot of it ended up in this chapter. A bunch of flashbacks got canned because they didn't fit into the past I ended up writing, but this and the first draft I did of this fic is mostly the same as what I eventually posted. The part with the branches turning into cherry blossom and Root rescuing him were the biggest changes. 

This chapter is so bleak. Poor kid.

So, flower symbolism time. Cherry blossom is associated with romance, spring and new starts, but it's also associated with mortality and the briefness of life in Japan, and that's part of why I picked it. It's ambiguous even with Tenzo being lucky enough to survive. 

Honestly, I have no idea how I would have finished this fic without the Kakashi ANBU arc in the anime. I don't think it's by chance that I got stuck after this chapter in my first draft, wondering 'what next?' and ended up putting it down for so long. That arc gave me something to work with for Part 2 instead of having to try to invent everything myself. I realise it's not canon-canon but I am very grateful for it existing. Also for long-haired Tenzo, which is not something I'd have come up with by myself. 

I liked the idea of Kakashi accidentally helping Tenzo out in the very worst period of his life, even if indirectly, and helping him decide to fight to survive when he thinks he's about to die. Even if he rejects it later as the one way to exercise some control as his life rapidly spirals out of his control. 

"He refuses it. The word, the dream of the farm, the kindly scarecrow watching the fields, and tries to forget it. It is the only choice he gets to make during his first year in Root." I really like this line. It's the start of a theme that comes back a lot in this fic, of Tenzo always moving on and trying to forget his past while Kakashi is stuck in his and can't forget it. 

There's a quote from Cees Nooteboom's Roads to Berlin that talking about this made me think of:

> "When a memory fails to appear, it seems as though the time when it was created did not really exist, and maybe that is true. Time itself is nothing; only the experience of it is something. When that dies, it assumes the form of a denial, the symbol of mortality, what you have already lost before you lose everything. When his friend had said something similar to his father, his response had been, "If you had to retain everything, you'd explode. There's simply not enough space for it all. Forgetting is like medicine; you have to take it at the right time."

If it's medicine, Tenzo takes it too often and Kakashi not often enough. 


	3. Part Two

# Part Two: The Dark

Oh yeah, I went for the obvious name here, with a literal translation of ANBU for the part's name.

> In the snow  
>  Softly drifting,  
>  Hot cheeks buried:  
>  Love, for me  
> 

Ishikawa Takuboku  


This poem is a much more direct influence on this part than the previous one, as in it inspired a specific chapter.

### Chapter One:

They've finally met and are interacting with each other! Again, going for a parallel here with Kinoe helping to pull Kakashi out of himself without realising it. I didn't go for Kakashi saving him because they're ~soulmates but more along the line of Kinoe being the first person to surprise him enough to make him curious and decide to spare him. To pull him out of the loop he was in.

Rereading this, I notice I really like this late night window visit theme with these two. I wrote Blackbird after this but the visual imagery is really similar. I love the night vibe of Konoha, I think I imprinted on a lot of doujinshi where that kind of imagery is very common.

A lot of this chapter is based on the anime. Kinoe really was following him around after he saved him, and this is just an extension of that. Creepy little stalker. At least Kakashi doesn't mind, as long as he doesn't try to kill him. Also the first gratuitous mokuton usage! The first but by no means the last. I just really love that jutsu.

"Thanks. Can he have friends? A dog, another dog so they don't get lonely, maybe a dragon, even a cat, how about a wolf?" There's a groan behind the cat mask and Kakashi laughs.  
"It's tiring! Nobody understands that, they think it doesn't cost me anything." There's childish indignation in his voice, exactly how a member of Root shouldn't behave. He likes that." Ah, the first appearance of another recurring bit: Kakashi teasing him and his reaction doesn't make Kakashi stop at all.

The little collection of wooden animals was one of those images that as soon as I thought of it, I had to do it. It's a nice chance for Kinoe to use it for some more neutral to good purposes instead of how he's using it in missions, and Kakashi keeping it even if he's suspicious of his motives.

By the time Kinoe returns from his mission, the moment's passed and he's drifted back into his Root life like it didn't happen.

### Chapter Two:

"He has a new name. It's the first name that he's sort of chosen for himself. A name that might end up being his, a strange feeling." That line is intentionally a parallel to 'The orphan, a boy of many names, none of them belonging to him' but without the absolute headache I got trying to write that line. It came a lot more easily. 

I like it as a reader when the reader knows more than a character does about the situation, and Tenzo's vanishing memories is part of my attempts to get that effect in this fic. I don't know how well it works. How much of it is intentional on his part and how much is a side-effect of the experiments? Probably much more intentional than he realises. Part Five talks about this much more.

Ugh, Tenzo wanting to go on a mission so badly with Kakashi is so cute. I love that he assumes that everyone feels the same level of excitement when Kakashi shows up to give them missions! Reader, they do not. I'm sure some of them do, but it's not universal. 

"Kakashi-senpai!" His face lights up as he stands at attention, ready for anything, and Kakashi's open eye curves in that way that makes his heart sink. He knows Kakashi's expressions too well to miss what this one means: he's about to be blown off." Me trying to write a very Kakashi interaction. I hope it worked. The mission is boring but that is the point of this chapter, it's a boring mission to allow Tenzo's mind to wander and think about things he normally wouldn't have time to.

The souvenir teasing is very 'I wanted to write this'. Plus souvenirs are a big deal in Japan. "He's seen Kakashi forget birthdays, meeting places, how to get to meeting places, white day, festivals, there's a definite theme emerging in what he forgets when he considers it, but he remembered something as minor as that." Pfffft. Kakashi hates being expected to remember events and anniversaries, but he does remember the important stuff. 

"They're young, this is one of their first missions, and he's sure he can scare them back into behaving if they go too far." Tenzo might actually be younger than them. The idea of Tenzo going 'oh they're young' when they're 2 years older than him makes me laugh, but it's also kinda sad. The two team members are in fact gossiping about the soulmate name of another teammate who's not present and like Kakashi, prefers to hide their mark. Tenzo naturally misses that aspect of the conversation. 

How can I describe Tenzo's actions as he waits for Kakashi to get back from his mission as anything but pining? Tenzo is correct that some of his senpais have noticed that he has a crush on Kakashi. It only gets worse from this point! He's not subtle about it at all. 

Why does nobody use doors in this story? Why are they always climbing in through windows? Is this some sort of ninja problem? 

I liked the idea that Tenzo knows of Team Minato but nothing actually about them as a team. I don't think Kakashi would probably share without some prompting, and Tenzo is unlikely to ask. Also, I don't think Kakashi would be angry about Tenzo staring at all. He loved them, he might not want to talk about it but he doesn't mind others knowing that, and especially not Tenzo knowing. Kakashi is a minimalist in canon, but one with a sentimental streak and I think the animals would stay like the photos do. 

I really leaned into using certain Japanese greetings in this chapter, huh. It's not particularly complicated but I hope it didn't come off too weirdly to anyone not familiar with them.  
'Welcome home' is kind of weird for Tenzo to do because it's not his house and he doesn't live there. Still, he is glad to see him back!  
The first 'you've worked hard today' is the generic thing to say to a colleague when leaving, but Tenzo's follow-up is his own words instead. Kakashi totally gets this distinction and feels a little embarrassed by it, as well as by Tenzo trying to take care of him when he doesn't deserve that kind of care.  
So, 'I'll leave and come back', 'please go and come back' ritual when people leave. It just felt really nice to include it because Tenzo never had it before, even if Kakashi is doing it all wrong by doing it first and then shutting Tenzo out.

### Chapter Three:

This chapter was inspired by the poem I put at the start of Part Two. Was this chapter absolutely essential to the plot? Probably not, but I really wanted to write it and there's some character development in there. Plus Pakkun! 

I really like the two of them working as a team as leaders, and Kakashi only starts teasing him once their kouhais are gone. Who has cold hands and who has warm hands is very important to me in a pairing, so naturally it mattered here and I even came up with an excuse to why Tenzo has such warm hands. Also, the first real reference to Tenzo's hands (and a little veiled reference to the title of the story). 

Kakashi casually getting Tenzo to warm up stuff for him and Tenzo doing it is about half of what I love about their dynamic. Also, Kakashi uses the snow as an excuse to touch Tenzo even though he knows he shouldn't and it's really not wise to encourage. This chapter was part of the reason I decided to go with Kakashi's crush on Minato, it explains why he recognises Tenzo's hero worship is shifting into something more than that when he's not great at romantic interactions more generally. 

"Too untouchable for him to reach out and find gilt stuck to his fingers." Is that a Madame Bovary reference? It is. "We must not touch our idols, the gilt sticks to our fingers" is one of my favourite lines from the book because of the truth of it, and it is very applicable to both his crush on Minato and Tenzo's crush on him. 

Kakashi letting Tenzo touch his hands is such a significant moment and Tenzo has no idea how important it is, beyond the obvious! Even if Tenzo knew, he wouldn't check and Kakashi knows that. There is also so much self loathing going on here, oh my god baby. I love how Tenzo's POV swoons over Kakashi while Kakashi's POV is 'I'm a terrible person and you definitely shouldn't love me'. 

Pakkun is acting as Kakashi's voice of reason/self-criticism at this point. He knows it's not innocent and while he doesn't say it out loud, he's concerned about Kakashi getting himself hurt too. Pakkun knows it's more effective to get him worried about Tenzo instead of for himself. 

"His cheeks are red, his eyes sparkle, there's snowflakes in his hair and a smile on his face, despite the awful conditions." I don't have anything clever to say, just that I like this image a lot.

### Chapter Four:

So one of the themes you'll notice as this commentary continues, is how many of these ideas I did purely because 'I wanted to and I could also make it relevant'. I wondered how Tenzo ended up cutting his hair, and the idea that it wasn't in fact his idea but kind of happened to him seemed fun. Oh, and Kakashi getting to cut it for him after something ridiculous happened? Yeah, I wanted to go there so I did. Looking back at my original outline, my first idea was someone got gum in his hair during an undercover mission at a festival. I think what I eventually went with was better, it doesn't feel so much like that Simpsons episode where Lisa got gum stuck in her hair. Also a little bit more realistic. (Okay, sure.)

I feel like there are probably a lot of ANBU missions like this one, relatively low-key unless something goes wrong. In this case, it involves Tenzo's hair getting glued to a wall. Yes, I found this funny and that's why I did it like that. Also a chance to see Tenzo giving his superiors his full, unvarnished views on what's going on. It's a big part of his character! 

The part where Tenzo debriefs his captain while she carries his hair along for him just seemed very like him. Also, again, funny. Kakashi being keen on Tenzo's long hair but only admitting it in a back-handed way is uh, pretty questionable, please be nicer to him.

Tenzo is also an idiot at this point. His captain has a crush on him and he doesn't realise it at all, in fact I don't think he realises this even later on. Kakashi mentions it from his POV later but Tenzo just thinks she was just trying to be nice to him even years later. She really didn't stand a chance against his obliviousness and Kakashi's intentional sabotage. That's exactly what that silent argument is about, it's 'back off'. The look in his eyes? Oh, it's jealousy. Whoops. There was no way he was going to let her romantically wash Tenzo's hair. 

The part about the ninken being gross is true, but it's also to put Tenzo off his scent. Kakashi is a schemer and Tenzo has no idea. Even when he's playing with his hair, Tenzo c'mon. 

Kakashi is worried that if he had long hair, he'd look just like Sakumo. I worked that fact in later on, but I never found the right point to go into more detail or have Tenzo find out about it. So I'm saying it here! He already gets mistaken for his father enough, the long hair would make it worse and even if he's forgiven Sakumo, he's not sure he could cope with seeing himself look so much like him. Looking like a girl or a pretty boy wouldn't even occur to him as an issue. Not his insecurities. 

I can't add much to the hair cutting scene apart from I really enjoyed writing it. There is so much obsessing over hands in this, even from Tenzo when he doesn't know about the soulmate thing. 

The sudden snap from 'oh no he knows about my crush' to 'senpai you idiot, you've ruined my hair' cracks me up. As does Kakashi getting called out for using a kunai to cut his own hair. 

Kakashi is 50% intentionally annoying Tenzo with the wink and 50% hoping it'll distract him enough to let him get away without realising he doesn't have a soulmate mark. What he's not doing: genuinely making fun of Tenzo's crush on him or trying to make it worse with his actions. Kakashi truly is a land of contrast.

### Chapter Five:

This chapter was a difficult one to write for a couple of different reasons, despite having a solid outline for this chapter that I didn't change at all. I really wanted to make the conclusion to the tension that's been ramping up to this moment between them satisfying, so I applied a lot of pressure on myself. It took a lot of work to get it to a point where I was really happy with it, but I'm still relatively happy with it now as I reread it.

The text points out that their shelter is near the village Tenzo spent his first couple of years in, but it's also the same shelter that Tenzo was born in. Neither of them would know that, so I tried to hint at it a little with the line "It's obvious it's been years since anyone lived here, decades maybe, even if there's signs of other people passing through before them." This probably makes this chapter even weirder, but it's not like they knew about it. I could also say that hey, it's symmetry! Literal birth and then metaphorical rebirth in the same place. Yeah, okay, me. 

Bursting in with Chidori is a dumb move. Tenzo is right to call him out on it. 

Architecture is listed as one of Tenzo's interests in the data books, so I wanted to draw on that here. The part about the brackets was a nightmare to write, I ended up reading a book on Japanese Architecture multiple times to try to decide what he was fussing about. I'm never going to make it as an architect! I like the part about the 'shelters that look like famous buildings', and "his understanding of architecture is definitely wasted in ANBU, unless they have to kill someone with a pagoda that's just like one from three centuries ago." The brackets...I don't know. It's done. It's there. 

I was really into the shadows thrown by the fire and the shelter held up by Tenzo's repairs as the storm bears down on them. It's a dramatic backdrop to an important development! 

I love this discussion about Tenzo's past, which then goes into Kakashi's past too. For two people who don't talk about their pasts for different reasons to talk about it, and in a relatively open manner, it's special to me. If I picked out my favourite lines, I'd basically be copying the whole thing over. 

"I would have done it for anyone." It's true, he doesn't want Tenzo to think he was being noble, expecting praise. He would have faced down all of Root to rescue any comrade who wanted out.

"I know, you're kind. But you did do it for me." Yeah this is an example of why this scene was a struggle to write at times. I really wanted to get across that Kakashi wasn't doing it because they're soulmates, and Tenzo knows he would do that for anyone and that heroic urge to save others is part of why he loves him, but still, Kakashi *did* do it for him. I had to be really thoughtful with my choice of words. I hope it worked. 

"Despite everything, despite being the wrong person for Tenzo when he knows that Tenzo will have someone else's name on his hand, despite Tenzo knowing about his mistakes and failures and how he's, in short, damaged goods, Tenzo still wants him. He's an idiot. A complete fool. He wants to kiss him." This is basically Kakashi's mission statement for the whole fic until Part Four. 

The part with Kakashi taking down his mask and Tenzo swooning over it is sooo self-indulgent, but I want him to be as obsessed with Kakashi's beauty mark as I am. Again, an example of why I'm glad I put writing this off until canon finished, because I also would have never come up with Kakashi having that. 

I feel weird going into a lot of detail about the sex scene. What I will say is it took a long time to write because I wanted the combination of sex and feelings in it. That goes for all the sex scenes I wrote for this fic, they're all supposed to have some emotional development in there as well as the porn. I hope that came across. Oh, and trying to make sure the positions made sense. Nothing more distracting than the positioning going wrong! 

"He's sure that Tenzo is okay with what happened, considering how long he's had a crush on him, but now, in the cold light of dawn, Kakashi has doubts." Oh Ho Ho Ho. I love Kakashi getting the wrong end of the stick here, as quickly addressed in the next chapter.

### Chapter Six:

This chapter was easier to write than the previous one. Lots of thinking about things in trees. I like writing about ninjas thinking about stuff while standing or sitting in trees.

The gap between dreams and reality can be staggering. I thought it'd be more interesting if Tenzo found that gap so jarring that it gave him second thoughts about the whole thing. I think the "oh no did I guilt him into it because I was sad?" thoughts are all but expected, but the fact he's scared of Kakashi being vulnerable and relying on him after having him on such a pedestal for so long is probably less expected. There's a difference between knowing someone has vulnerabilities and actually seeing them bared to you. That moment in a relationship when you realise someone is relying on you, who's just some person who will probably get it wrong, can be terrifying.

It's not a flattering moment for Tenzo either! Considering running off and pretending it never happened once it gets heavy is kind of a dick move, especially when you were pushing for it more. I like that he failed in that respect and it takes him a serious kick up the ass by nearly dying to make him realise "I'm being stupid about this". 

The first version of the paragraph where Tenzo is trying to calm down had his mokuton going wild and out of control again, for the first time since he'd left Root. I liked the imagery but it took this scene in a direction I didn't want it to go in, so I cut it. I ended up using a lot of that imagery and history in Chapter Eight of Part Three instead in a less heated context, so I didn't lose it altogether. 

The most common reason in reality for someone to turn to spying is money problems, either due to having debts or being greedy for more. I thought it'd be more interesting for the spy to do it out of desperation to pay off her debts than out of any ideological commitment to Iwa, and it being a fluke that ANBU identified her. A lot of spies get caught by accident instead of intentionally by security services. 

"Would Kakashi use his dog to spy on him? He knows the answer as soon as he thinks it, of course he would, but only if he felt it was necessary. Would this be necessary? He doesn't know, didn't want to risk it, even if he regrets it now." Pragmatists being pragmatic about each other. 

The sundial in the clearing that the spy is waiting at is a little symbol of time. This isn't subtle, is it? I thought it was a good image. Plus it gave her something to lean against and fidget on, as for all of her success in spying, she's a normal kind of person and out of her depth. 

Tenzo falling for an ambush set up by Iwa because he's distracted was always part of my idea for this chapter. It hits both his and Kakashi's worst fears about their potential relationship, his that his feelings are a distraction that might get him killed, and Kakashi's about the inevitability of anyone he loves dying. 

Unfortunate flashbacks to childhood trauma! Poor Tenzo. The memory he recalls is of Ishii-sensei trying to protect him from Orochimaru, and being disabled by a poison gas that's close to the poison he just got stabbed with. Huh, wonder why Iwa got that poison from. It couldn't be from a certain sannin, could it? In my timeline for this story, the kidnapping happened about a week after they were warned by the Third. 

Usually Tenzo can't recall that he was Subject 49 during the experiments. I picked 49 because it's not an exciting or symbolic number, it's just a regular number. Nobody was expecting him to be any different from the rest of the subjects, he only got picked because he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

"That name again. He recognises that name, it's his name. That's what they call him now. It's a good name." After all the 'I accept this name as what people call me', I like this moment for Tenzo going 'yes that's my name, that's what I'm called.' Even if it's not the final version of his name.

The paragraph where Tenzo is about to die is one I rewrote multiple times. I'm still not entirely happy with it but it works. Writing about someone dying is tricky.

"This time he's in a proper hospital, no induction into Root looming ahead for him." Head canon here: every time Tenzo wakes up in a hospital, he always initially fears he's still nine and about to be induced into Root again. I didn't put it in because Tenzo wouldn't think of it like that in his head, but it's what he fears. 

Kakashi being so angry with him but considerate enough to help him sit up and give him a basin is a really sweet moment. Just because he's mad at you doesn't mean he doesn't care. 

Tenzo and Kakashi swapping blame here for what happened, both sides blaming themselves! It's sweet that they care so much. 

"After that brush with death, he doesn't feel afraid of Kakashi's vulnerabilities like he did before. Kakashi has come down to his level, he's no longer out of reach, it's true, but it doesn't matter to him now. He didn't guilt Kakashi into it, not when Kakashi sees it as his own selfishness. He might get hurt but he's already hurt anyway, what's one more injury? He's alive, Kakashi is alive and they're both here." I think this highlights the contrast between the two of them. Kakashi, despite Tenzo's words, is going to blame himself for what happened to Tenzo, while Tenzo focuses on what his survival means for their future together. "I might get hurt but what's one more injury?" is such a brave thing to say! It's so easy to swerve a relationship out of that fear and despite his earlier fears about that, about hurting Kakashi, he goes for it here. 

The festival date is something I really wanted to do for them. They don't get to have moments like that often. "You better bring enough money or I won't put out" is definitely a smooth line stolen from Icha Icha. Kakashi saying something ridiculous and then dying of embarrassment afterwards is SO funny to me.

### Chapter Seven:

The festival date! This was inspired by every other festival visit I've seen in anime and manga, and also of my own experience when I got to go to a festival in Japan. From this point, there's quite a bit of stuff I pulled from my own experience of visiting Japan. It's mostly weird little details but they were fun to include, because they reminded me of my visit and how much I enjoyed it. Japan's great to visit by the way, fully recommend it if you get a chance! 

The travelling shrine is a smaller, more portable shrine that gets taken out of the shrine during the festivals so the god spreads their blessings on the surrounding area. Takayama's festivals were an inspiration for this, although this festival is on a much less grand scale: [https://www.japan-guide.com/e/e5909.html. ](https://www.japan-guide.com/e/e5909.html)

Kakashi not realising he's outgrown his old yukata since he last wore it until he got it out again is a serious old man moment. However, relatable. This whole scene is a mixture of self-doubt and nostalgia and regret about past mistakes, at least until Tenzo finally arrives. Is this symbolic for why their relationship works? Maybe a little.

Tenzo failing to tie his belt properly and Kakashi doing it for him is very married for two people on their first date. I researched how to tie belts correctly on yukata for this. I've done it but it's different for men and women, and also for where you're wearing it. Looking at a gdoc version, I see I actually got stuck here for a couple of days, wrote my first attempt at what eventually became the next chapter, and then came back to it a week or two later. I only used gdocs because I didn't have an alternative word processor at that time, but it's interesting to see that I struggled here and yet I don't remember that clearly. I think it was not being sure what I wanted them to do at the festival, and once I got to that point it looked like it came out pretty fast. I just had to break that wall. 

One of the side-effects of being poisoned, depending on the poison, can be light sensitivity and being unable to dilate your pupils correctly. While Tenzo's mostly recovered, he's still suffering from this and that's why they're waiting for him to adjust his eyes to the light before going in.

Trying to work out what Kakashi (and Tenzo!) would actually enjoy eating at a festival involved a lot of research. I like that the data books gave them distinctive food likes and dislikes, but boy, finding food for a guy who hates sweet and fried foods, along with a guy who doesn't like oily food, at a festival was hard work. This is exactly why I had Tenzo point this fact out. I used this list to help guide me: <https://www.tsunagujapan.com/japanese-festival-food/> and reading it again makes me want Taiyaki, ack. I had one that was made with a Magikarp shaped mold in Tokyo. It was so good.

Kakashi getting barred from goldfish scooping because of his sharingan was a funny idea. Would he really cheat? Maybe!

The shrine maiden thinking Tenzo is cute and Tenzo completely missing it...I like him being completely oblivious to other people finding him attractive. Kakashi I feel is more aware than he'd like of other people being attracted to him, but Tenzo is dense as hell. 

Kakashi stealing the worst possible fortune off Tenzo and leaving him with a good one is a symbolic as fuck gesture, just want to point that out. Right to knowing Tenzo will be more concerned about it than he is. I also thought it'd be fitting that the young ace who never set a foot wrong got a super lucky fortune before it all went wrong. Obito probably got middling luck and Rin good luck. "In love, see their heart not their features" is the advice I got from a fortune (they had English ones!) I pulled at a temple, which was also very good fortune. I thought it was good advice for Tenzo too, so I put it in here. 

I used ryo instead of yen to make this feel more old-fashioned. Reflecting on it, I should have stuck with yen because 'go-en' (five yen) sounds like two other words about building good connections in Japanese, which is why you use 5 yen coins at shrines to forge a good connection with the god at the shrine. Ugh, too smart ass for my own good. 

Kakashi probably shouldn't be thinking about putting out when he's about to pray, but hey, that's a thing he does. I like the 'only two people in the world despite the crowded setting' part, even if it's totally rom-com. 

It wasn't intentional timing, but I ended up writing the firework watching after going to a local firework display for inspiration. The final firework was a big bang that exploded and then trailed down as golden sparks, I thought it was a nice touch. It's one of those things that's easier to write after seeing it recently. (Writing this in 2021, I miss fireworks! I'm going to the next display I can of them.)

Did I get self-indulgent in this fic by having MULTIPLE confessions, over a span of ten years? Perhaps. But I have no regrets. 

The contrast between Kakashi trying to do a sexy pat-down to find Tenzo's weapons and his mooning over Tenzo's name...babe. I like that he's inspired by Obito not to look, taking the completely wrong conclusion from that tale, but there wouldn't be much of a plot after this if he did look and go "ah, you have my name there. Weird." Creative licence. I hope it doesn't read too much as giving him an idiot ball. 

That yukata makes Kakashi ridiculously horny. He's the type who gets very excited by his partner wearing something they don't usually wear. Oh and the street light lighting this whole scene, that's a little touch I'm fond of. So keen they didn't shut the blinds. The sex comes out looking relatively effortless, but I stalled on this scene for at least a week and it took a lot of work to get it right. 

"The lack of a name is right up against his skin, and Kakashi doesn't even think of it." Ayo, significant moment.


	4. Part Three

# Part Three: The Light

In my opening note for this part I put 'I'm excited because there's much more of the rest of the Naruto cast from this point onward. I like them living in a community, it's part of why I like the series' and I stand by this comment now. The Light is a contrast to the previous darkness, although Tenzo takes a while to get out of it.

> I am on a journey  
>  Yet at night I make a fire.  
>  In the dark, my love  
>  Will be pining for me.

The Embassy to Shiragi

I thought this poem tied into what happens in this part well, particularly Chapter Seven. It's a little wistful but they are together.

### Chapter One:

In my original outline, this chapter was in Part Two, before what became Chapter Two in that part, and the haircut came before that chapter. Looking at that, I'm wondering why I thought that'd be a good order, but this chapter was different back then. It was set during the day in a cafe, Kakashi was waiting around for several of the other jounins and overheard the group of other ninjas talking about soulmates before the one who'd just killed her soulmate was a buzzkill. I decided while writing that it'd fit better in later on, so I moved it but it still didn't come together. Then I went back and finished the previous chapter. Usually I write in order but this was one of those occasions where I didn't, and honestly, a good example of why I usually do that. I think I would have spent less time fixing a draft I didn't even like if I had.

On reflection, it focused too much on the group dynamics of the group of random ninjas, which wasn't that interesting. Guy and Kakashi talking to each other was much more interesting than them, even just as a little conversation right at the end. It also gave a way to ease in that Kakashi is now out of ANBU and it's post-Uchiha massacre. 

So I booted the other ninjas, only left these two as stranglers and got them drunk by doing this at night instead. I started in media res with them both at the stall so I didn't have Kakashi waiting, made the other ninja go from 'composed but just about to break' to 'too drunk to hold back, angry with everyone and ready to ask fighting questions'. Her asking about Rin flowed on from that situation and ended up being more interesting than what I previously wrote. Having Rin's name on his hand would explain a lot about Kakashi, after all. Having Guy there also kept the dynamic and mood different from Kakashi alone. He would have brooded, and Guy wasn't there to brood! Also, Guy giving him that positive reinforcement about being a teacher is a good bit that gets mirrored later on. I wanted Kakashi to know he had support from people who care about him, even after what happened.

In my original outline, I didn't really consider how Tenzo might react to Kakashi leaving ANBU, that he might not have been privy to the conversations around him leaving, and Kakashi wouldn't have told him about them. If it'd been some time between the two of them seeing each other, it'd be enough time to get the wrong idea about why he quit, and also what would happen to their relationship now he's out of ANBU. So the rest of this chapter built off that thought, and I also put Tenzo in a really bad mood because I think otherwise he would have deflected for much longer if he wasn't so on edge. Apparently, him having to stab someone in an artery was the way to do it on top of his existing annoyances and concerns. 

The gap between the previous chapter and this one is a couple of years, and I hope the conversation the two of them have about Kakashi quitting shows that shift to becoming an established couple. 

My notes file for scenes I cut out but wanted to keep, just in case, had a little section where Kakashi explains the Third's dismissal differently, referring more to the discussion they had on screen. Tenzo then talked about Orochimaru and yes, his anger that the Third let him go. I decided to cut it because it took the scene in a direction I didn't want to go in.

Those paragraphs I cut:

> "He said my heart wasn't dark enough, that he'd made a mistake because he wanted to keep me by his side for too long. That's why Minato-sensei drafted me, to keep an eye on me." Tenzo doesn't reply, thinking it over, and Kakashi thinks that's the end of the conversation when he suddenly speaks up. 
> 
> "He's right. You're too kind for it, really. He's also right he made a mistake, he can't let go when he should, never has." He's never heard Tenzo criticise the Third so personally -- if he's making a poor decision Tenzou might argue it but it's never personal -- and he stares at Tenzo in surprise, who shrugs slightly and then winces. "He should have killed Orochimaru. He let him walk away instead. I don't understand it, why would he let him walk away?" 
> 
> "I didn't realise-" 
> 
> "If you were still in ANBU, I wouldn't tell you this. Danzo is right that he shies from hard decisions. I know why Danzo worked with him, he thought it was for the greater good, damn the consequences, but why did the Third do it? Why did he spare him when he'd already killed so many?" 
> 
> "It's difficult to kill someone you love. Even if they've done something terrible, you might still love them." Tenzo considers it and then shakes his head, he can't even imagine it. 
> 
> "I've thought about it, if there's a mission to capture him. I can't decide if I'd go because I want to stop him, or stay because I can't trust what I'll do if I see him again. I can't trust that I won't do something drastic and cause the mission to fail. There won't be a second chance."

I am kind of bummed to lose this contrast between the two of them, and how it sets up their later differences in approach to Sasuke and also Yamato's first mission with Team 7. I also liked Tenzo not getting at this point how you could still love someone even if they've done something terrible, because he's never had people he's loved that much until now. Kakashi gets it, he's been there and lived it with Sakumo and will be there again in the future too. But these paragraphs took this scene in the wrong direction and I didn't know where else it fitted. Plus, would Tenzo really agree with Danzo, even in those circumstances? I don't know. I think it was best it came out but I like it enough to show it here.

I wanted Tenzo to show off his ability after being annoyed and a little snappy, kind of to make it up to Kakashi. I got very excited to have a chance for Tenzo to use thaumaturgy. My end note reads 'That healing ability is canon, as far as I'm aware, but it's apparently stated in the Fourth Databook which I don't own. While the Third Databook (which I do own!) has the very important information about Yamato that "he tends to fall for Kakashi's pranks. It goes beyond aspiration and borders on adoration", it doesn't have that. So I can't verify it. 

...It also allowed me to pick this title after months of wondering if it was too self-indulgent to name it after the song Thaumaturgy by The Orchids. As if this whole fic isn't completely self-indulgent. So thanks, Kishimoto!' I stand by all of this! I haven't seen anything further about if this ability is canon, but by this point, eh, untranslated data book is good enough for me. 

The part about the stranger not daring to appear in Tenzo's presence and vanishing as soon as he goes back to his side is, uh, very important to me. These two being good for each other is part of what I love about this pairing. 

It's ironic I wrote about Tenzo being good with spider plants. I had a mini one die on me in the last couple of months, and I have ferns so it's not like I'm Kakashi. What the hell, they're supposed to be less temperamental. Anyway, I received a proper sized one that's a cutting from a bigger, older plant and it seems to be doing okay right now. Please cross your fingers that it continues to thrive.

### Chapter Two:

This was originally going to be the first chapter of this part, but I think it fits in a lot better here after the relatively emotional previous chapter and how it sets the scene for Kakashi being out of ANBU. 

I wanted to write about Naruto and him not being entirely alone during this time period. That's why Iruka shows up, because these two idiots do very little on that front. I realise for Tenzo, it doesn't seem weird considering he doesn't know Naruto, but it's uh, a little more weird for Kakashi. That's part of why he just says "hey let's leave it to Iruka-sensei so I don't have to deal with it!" It's not exactly fair, but you know, it ties into canon. 

This is mostly fluff between the two of them. Look at Kakashi bothering his boyfriend while he's doing important guard duty!

Unlike the previous two chapters, this one was quite painless to write so I don't have so much to say about it. I like how it turned out.

### Chapter Three:

This was relatively short in outline, and came out a lot longer when I wrote it. Kakashi's terrible excuses for not coming out still amuse me. I like him being too lazy to come up with a proper excuse. 

The group dynamics came in here instead of in my original Chapter One, and I think it works a lot better. I like Kurenai effectively needling at Kakashi's pride and getting him to agree by pulling Guy into the conversation. I'm vague about how much they actually drink in this contest, but I imagine Kakashi has a reasonably high tolerance and yeah, it's been enough to make Guy losing like...that possible. 

I wanted Kakashi to have one of those moments where you see someone you love but they haven't seen you, so they're using their rest of the world face and the contrast between that and what you see. Kakashi is a total brat who can't bear it, but I think it's interesting! 

When drinking with someone else in Japan, it's polite to pour that other person's drink for them, even if you've not met before. I goofed on this when drinking in Japan and it still haunts me, even if it got accepted as me being a dumbass foreigner. So the drink pouring is not the aspect that makes Tenzo appear to be a good wife, although it doesn't hurt that he manages to avoid pouring a head on the beer. It's more the fussing and making sure Kakashi is in the right place and organising everything for him. 

I don't think Kakashi and Tenzo have gone around telling people they're together, but by this point they're not concerned if people realise they are, which explains this whole bar scene. This is not how to hide a relationship if you're trying to, but I think it's more that they're private than they're actively hiding it. 

The karaoke thing came to me while I was writing. I think Tenzo needs to be a LOT drunker than he is here to willingly agree to it. It also made Tenzo feel a little out of place, in that he doesn't know most of the songs and everyone else does, thanks to his isolated childhood and then his slightly less isolated adult life. 

"He who splits lighting and he who lost his hair to a glue trap." He's such a jerk here haha. 

Hair talk! Tenzo's long hair is to Kakashi what Kakashi's beauty mark is to Tenzo. Kakashi does mention the fact he would look like his father if he had long hair, but it's not something he airs out to Tenzo. I wrote a couple of paragraphs where he did, but I couldn't work out how to make it fit in. I've just found it in my notes file for this fic where I stuck in cut parts that I wanted to keep in case I could make them work. 

Those cut paragraphs:

> "I was always too scared to grow my hair, I didn't want to wake up and see my dad in the mirror." Tenzo starts and looks at him, really looks at him, and he blushes a little, shrugs helplessly. He's drunk enough that things he would never normally say slip out like nothing. 
> 
> "Your father?" Despite the years they've been close friends and then lovers, Tenzo sounds surprised, like he didn't know that Kakashi's father looked like him. Does Tenzo know anything about Sakumo? Tenzo doesn't have a family, has never asked Kakashi about his now he thinks about it, and he's not sure if it's because it's never occured to Tenzo, parents being an alien concept to him, or because he thinks Kakashi doesn't want to talk about it.
> 
> "Oh, shit, I've never told you about him, have I? Ask me when I'm sober." Tenzo tilts his head.
> 
> "He was famous, right? The White Fang of Konoha? I mean, that's all I know about him." Kakashi laughs.

Yeah, never worked out where to go with that so I cut it. I covered the point later with their discussion in Part Five, anyway. Please assume that after the end of this fic they finally talk about Sakumo properly.

Is the paragraph about how time works while drunk weird? I struggled with it forever. It's hard to write about the way time distorts when you're drunk. I like the 'can't control everything by knowing everything' line. 

The song is one that Ishii-sensei also knew. Imagine the most tragic folk ballad in existence and that's the song. It is a terrible choice for karaoke but people knew it, at least?

After all the earlier angst about it, I like Kakashi thinking his blank hand is a blessing because it meant he could make his own choice. Even with the later reveal, it's true. He did make his own choice with Tenzo. Also, another missed chance from Tenzo to find out about the soulmate marks thing!

### Chapter Four:

THIS CHAPTER. I wrote this whole chapter, looked at it, and went "I don't like this" and rewrote over half of it. Oh, the pain this chapter caused me. I wrote in my first outline 'they fight about something stupid' and fleshing that out caused me so much trouble, to the extent I did a second outline that I also didn't use! I ended up rewriting it from the start until they reached the village after Tenzo saved Kakashi. I was a lot happier with it and it was worth the effort of doing it but oh, the pain of it all. It's kind of surreal because I knew exactly where I wanted to go once they reached the village, but getting there...wow. 

Things have been going really well until this point, so I wanted the two of them to fight and then make up. Preferable over something stupid that they could have just apologised about. I actually researched this! I found a lot of enlightenment on reddit on the subject of 'what was the most stupid fight you've ever had in a relationship' which while amusing, didn't help at all. In the end I went back to my idea of Kakashi overwatering his plants and refusing to apologise. I think it did the job, and was sufficiently 'thing you can be mad at your partner at but not serious enough to be a real issue if either of you apologised'. I did my best? 

Tenzo being obsessive about his house plants strikes me as a sign, in retrospect. At the time I wrote this, I didn't have any house plants but by the end of 2019 I had started my current collection. If I was writing this now, I would probably switch the Peace Lily with a different plant. I really like succulents, as my main room has bright enough sunlight during the day by the windows, and jungle plants I keep in the more shady parts. Maybe a Red Chinese Evergreen? Or a Prayer Plant? I really like the green and pink combination of the leaves, and how the Prayer Plant folds up its leaves at night. They're also easy to look after, if you're looking for a relatively low maintenance plant that likes shade, I'd definitely recommend them. I'll stop being a plant parent now. 

The part where Tenzo mimics Kakashi and Kakashi's main complaint is he doesn't sound like that made me laugh rereading it.

More trying to use windows instead of doors! This time there's a reason for it at least. 

"As soon as he hears "passing jounin who got involved" Tenzo covers his mask with his hands, heaves out a huge sigh. He knows who it is without them needing to tell him. Oh, god damn it." Yeah I knew I wanted this to happen. Who else would it be? 

It's not by chance that Kakashi ended up rescuing a genin team. I wanted it to be a moment that made Kakashi consider the possibility of having a genin team more seriously. He won the kids over by protecting them like he did, and they survived! Maybe he can be a jounin-sensei? Ugh, it's probably cliche that the girl of the team turned out to be good at chakra control and thus probably a future medical nin, but I at least made the medic a guy. 

A nice moment, ruined by chakra exhaustion. Classic Kakashi. 

The swallows were based on actual swallows I've seen hanging out in villages like this. Birds are cool. They show up in this a lot because I think they're cool. Kobayashi is a very chill healer and host, and I'm glad Tenzo recognised her kindness. 

"He thinks about how he wishes he'd got some of the same chakra reserve as the First had too, he could do so much more with mokuton if he did. He's also wondering, on a much more intimate note, if Kakashi's ever used these books for jerking off. He's probably happier not knowing if Kakashi can get off to such appalling dialogue, but still." The duality of man! Yeah, that was intentional. Sometimes you can be thinking about serious stuff but also be thinking "god my boyfriend masturbates to these books? He needs help." 

The jay is an Eurasian Jay, which is from the same corvid family as the Jays you get in North America, but not as fancy and a dark, almost rusty orangey colour instead of blue. I researched what kind of noises they make, and decided to use their warning call instead of the call they use to each other, which isn't as scratchy. I don't recall any ninjas using corvids that aren't crows in canon, but I don't see why you couldn't use other ones. If you can train sparrows to carry messages, other corvids would be easy!

I read this (<https://keepyourpantsongohan.tumblr.com/post/182067356507/>) tumblr post I read while writing this fic which says that while Yamato is not on the crazy train that Kakashi is on, he's definitely got tickets for that train. I can't help but think of this when I read the line "Oh, apparently I'm acting like you." 

"What? It's erotic _and_ moving!" 

"Moving what, exactly?" I'm a mature adult and left the 'my bowels?' I wanted to follow Tenzo's question as implied instead of doing it. I don't feel he would. Naruto would but not Tenzo. 

I really wanted to write the two of them having sex while Kakashi had chakra exhaustion. It was a challenge but a fun one, unlike the start of this chapter! Kobayashi 100% knows that they had sex, by the way. They ain't slick. 

The little scene here at the end is really sweet, even if it does hinge on Kakashi thinking Tenzo knows what he means regarding his soulmate, and Tenzo has no idea. Not that it'd change his answer. Still love the sentiment of "No. I don't think I've ever wasted time if it was time spent with you." Considering Kakashi has definitely wasted his time in the past...it's cute.

### Chapter Five:

I think this is the only chapter where all of the original Team 7 show up in one place. The previous chapter was about a year or two before the start of the series, so it's about three years since then. I'm a little vague with my time periods, eh. Chakra exhaustion never changes though. 

I wanted this to be a lighter moment before this version of Team 7 splits up with Sasuke leaving. Plus some light domesticity between the two and a parallel to when Tenzo was in hospital after their first night together. The part where Tenzo throws a bun in his face makes me laugh. Angry husband problems. 

I also wanted to explore how Sakura's crush would be affected by the soulmate marks. I'm going to be real here, the part where Kakashi talks about what he thinks about Sakura and his thoughts is strongly influenced by how I think the canon undersells her by defining her by her crush on Sasuke. I think Kakashi would legitimately think that her crush is the least important thing about her, though. I like the idea of Rin being someone that Sakura could have talked to and might have been able to provide better advice to. She'd be a contrast and balance to Tsunade, who I love but is very much a tough love kind of mentor haha. 

Like Kakashi, I am not sure whose name Sakura has on her hand. There's probably no answer Kakashi could give that'd make Sakura happy at this point, Sasuke isn't about to give her what she wants. It's probably very self-absorbed of her but she's twelve/thirteen here, that's prime age for that kind of behaviour. Wow, did I say this chapter was lighter? I guess I got distracted by the part with Naruto yelling a lot. Rereading this I feel really bad for Sakura, even if she gets what she thinks she wants, it's not going to be like she wants it to be like. The image of her putting all her hopes into that prayer at that temple to secure a heart that couldn't be further from her at this point, oh boy. No wonder she's annoyed by Kakashi's remark about your soulmate picking up your tab at restaurants. Ironically, that statement turns out to be completely accurate about Kakashi and his soulmate. This, my friends, is what we call foreshadowing for Kakashi being a cheapass later on. 

Anyway, I guess this balances out how little we see Kakashi worry about Sakura on-screen during canon, hah. He's concerned and also feeling very guilty! That's part of why I really like Tenzo showing up afterwards, missing half the context for that conversation but trying to make Kakashi feel better about it anyway. The smear of dirt on Tenzo's cheek because he couldn't even clean up before coming to see him is one of those little things I like. Also hey look, more obsessing over hands. What a surprise in this fic. I don't actually say this in the fic, but I imagined this scene is taking place at sunset so he's also got Tenzo almost glowing in that light and yeah, Kakashi is in love and is too afraid to say it.

### Chapter Six:

I woke up at 1:40am on Christmas Day with the idea for this chapter in my head. I wrote the outline of it in my Notes app on my phone before going back to sleep. I've occasionally woken up with fic ideas since but this was fully-formed, as if it was Athena springing out of the head of Zeus. And it's not even like it's a particular dramatic chapter! Anyway it was a pleasant surprise to read this in the morning and find that it was a workable idea. 

I thought it'd be interesting to see Tenzo and Tsunade interacting for the first time. They have a good working relationship in canon, so I wanted to start them out on a good foot. Tenzo gets to give his views on the situation at the start of the Fifth's rule, which naturally focuses on different issues from others and also gives him a chance to tell Tsunade that Danzo is as much of a threat as she thinks he might be. Canon also never says what he was up to during the Chunin Exam Arc, so this was my chance to say what he was doing. 

I like the demonstration of mokuton for her. It's partly because I'm obsessed with mokuton but I also thought it was a nice, softer moment to end on. I like the contrast between what Tenzo can do with it and what the First could. They have very different personalities and I think that reflects in how they use mokuton, as well as Tenzo not having the chakra reserves that Hashirama had.

### Chapter Seven:

Ah, this chapter. Kakashi struggles after the break up of Team 7 and also unintentionally discovers something about Tenzo's past but has no idea that it relates to him. As soon as I got the idea for this chapter, which wasn't in the original outline, I was so excited to reach this point. It was based on me thinking about the background of Tenzo's parents far too much and ended up with a full story about how they got together. I ended up rewriting a large section of this (which I'll discuss below) and I'm still not entirely happy with the Merchant's dialogue. However the unintentional discovery of something important by Kakashi, who has no idea of its value at all, worked just as I hoped it would for me. 

I was so, so happy when I got a comment on this chapter asking if Tenzo's parents were the couple the merchant was talking about. Yes! I didn't want to confirm it in text because I felt it worked better as implied but yes, that's Tenzo's parents! 

So more background on Tenzo's parents that didn't fit in here. I gave this a lot of thought, they have a very detailed background and yet, I still haven't given them names. Whoops. I'd really like to do a mini-sequel one day where I have Tenzo find out who his mother is via some well done research, and Kakashi finally realises the value of this story and it all finally comes together. 

Honestly, as I do this commentary, I can feel the urge to write this small sequel growing. Huh, I guess there's still a lot I want to say!

Tenzo's mother is a Senju descendant on her mother's side, which is part of why mokuton didn't kill Tenzo later on. Her mother takes great pride in being a Senju, so she's had a very formal and isolated upbringing of an actual princess, but in fact they're just regular ninjas so it doesn't help her at all. Instead there's a layer of glass between her and the rest of the world which she doesn't know how to cut through. I feel she naturally tends towards seriousness but she's never had a chance to cut loose and be anything but solemn. Her manners might be impeccable but I wanted her to have that same 'with due respect, I disagree' attitude that Tenzo has. Kakashi correctly identifies her as being part of the generation that the Third War wiped out, she died early on during that war. 

Tenzo's father is one of those people who has a jokey and superficial surface, but boy, feelings run deep under it. His feelings for Tenzo's mother are a case in point. He's been intrigued by her very serious personality and manners for a while and yeah, that princess nickname wasn't just teasing. He really does think she's like a princess and admires that. He's also under a lot of pressure from his parents, but in a different way from how she is and is reacting very differently to it.

Nobody has realised that at the point when he takes this mission, he's seriously considering packing in being a ninja. His older brother (by about seven years) is a highly regarded and talented medical-nin, and there's a lot of pressure to follow in his footsteps but he's wondering if he wants to do this at all. He's not had the option to be anything else, but he'd like to at least try something else. What happens on this mission changes his mind. He's going to stay for a while longer, at least long enough to protect her. Their relationship continues once they get back to Konoha, but a couple of months later he dies on a mission. It's nothing special, just the sort of death a ninja's always at risk of. 

I struggled with the scene where the ANBUs show up. When I first wrote this, Tenzo showed up with the other ANBUs, and they had a talk about how Kakashi's doing post Team 7 break-up. I couldn't get it to work how I wanted it to, though. In the end I decided to change it so that he didn't appear. It made the chapter work a lot better if Tenzo wasn't there and Kakashi was longing for him while still managing the fall out of Team 7 breaking up by himself. I still really struggled to write it, though, until I had a light bulb moment and decided to parallel the ANBU who Kakashi meets with Tenzo's mother in terms of her manners. It also gave a nice little lead into the next chapter when I got there. 

As much as I'd like to fiddle with the Merchant's dialogue, I really like the bit where he advises Kakashi on what to do about lovesick teenage girls. He did take that advice up when he went back to Konoha. 

"Pretty clear what her thoughts were, but he was impossible to read again. Like trying to see what's lurking in the sea under its calm from the shore." I intentionally drew a parallel to this in Tenzo's dream in Part Five. I'll talk more about it there. 

Is it cheating that the Merchant completely forgot the names? Maybe a little, but it was over twenty years ago it happened. A lot's happened since then!

This chapter is yet another one of those near-misses for Tenzo, because it's not something Kakashi would think to tell Tenzo about without prompting, and Tenzo isn't going to prompt for it. Also, his parents and their story are part of what gets Kakashi to admit to himself how much he loves Tenzo, even if he's not Tenzo's soulmate. I think that's sweet. In their way they're helping out, even if nobody knows the full extent of it.

### Chapter Eight:

I put an author note at the start of this chapter that 'hey, so, did you know I like mokuton? And wisteria? And wanted a reason to use it for romantic purposes during smut? This chapter is about that. It's also about giving Kakashi a holiday after the end of the first part of the series, during the time-skip.' It's still true. I wanted them to have a nice time together after what happened in canon, and also I wanted them to be old men who go to hot springs together. 

Rereading the outline for this, it's changed a lot from there to actually writing it. There's no mokuton usage, they don't have a private onsen and it's raining so heavily they decide they'll go tomorrow morning instead and stay in. Which leads to Tenzo being convinced to read out some Icha Icha to Kakashi and it gets Kakashi horny enough for them to have sex. Then Kakashi confesses later when they're in bed. A lot of that is very similar to their stay at Kobayashi's house though, which is why I changed it. Plus, an excuse to write wisteria everywhere during sex. 

"He seemed sad?" is a decent opening line directly after the last chapter, where yeah, Kakashi is pretty sad and by himself in it. I love this little highly polite ANBU and her very formal and slightly stilted way of talking. It's even better that she's talking about Kakashi, who really doesn't care for that kind of stuff in the slightest. I hope she keeps her manners for all her time in ANBU. 

I was so tempted to have someone put something ridiculous on Tenzo's locker door to distract him, but I couldn't think of what it'd be so I just left it blank. I guess the fact I even mention it suggests that I was planning to do something with that. 

I feel that if Kakashi kept swerving the issue for long enough, Tenzo would eventually burn through his patience and pin him down (figuratively, although perhaps literally too!) to talk about it. As it is at this point, it hasn't been going on for long enough to test it. Tenzo is a relatively patient person, particularly compared to certain other characters in the canon. I wanted Guy to also be checking in on Kakashi so the weight's not just on him, and also it'd be weird if Guy wasn't! 

Tenzo never takes holidays, which is why it took him so long to think of it as a solution. You work too hard! Kakashi lazing around on Tenzo's couch like it's his place is an image I first had in an earlier chapter that I canned, and I was glad I got to use it here. The pulling the mask back to kiss him gesture is a very 'we've been dating for years' vibe, which indeed they have by this point. I like Kakashi intentionally messing with Tenzo and his decision to immediately agree when he knows Tenzo is trying to work up to asking him is on that. Even when he's feeling down, he can't resist the urge. Despite knowing better, he still takes him seriously. 

I really like this scene with Tsunade. The hapless chunin who she almost writes up! Shizune suffering patiently! Tsunade taking a break to tease Tenzo! Kakashi maximising the embarrassment potential by showing up at the perfect moment! Again, Kakashi is doing it on purpose here, but the conversation between him and Tsunade was in fact more serious in tone than either of them tells Tenzo here. It really was a demand and Kakashi wasn't going to leave her office until she granted it. He might be bad at taking care of himself, but Tenzo needs a break as well and Kakashi was determined that he'd get it. 

A charm is the collective noun for a group of magpies. I think it's a lovely collective noun. 

The type of house Tenzo is describing to Kakashi is a Gasshō-zukuri style house. Shirakawago is famous for this kind of house, which you may be familiar with as the real life village that was the model for the village in Higurashi. The design really does help to keep snow off.

More talking about hands and hand temperatures! Yes, this does happen a lot in this fic. How mysterious.

When you arrive at a traditional inn like this one, you get a set up for tea in your room, as well as a local snack like the dried apple. The dried apple is a real snack I got in one such room, so I used that. That inn was a lot less fancy than this place though, rooms with private onsens are seriously expensive.

I think letting someone else take your armour off for you when you're a highly trained ninja is a serious sign of trust. Just like letting someone cut your hair with a kunai, because it's a weapon that could be turned on you. 

Gratuitous use of mokuton once again! Tenzo is right that Hashirama would use his powers for this kind of stuff. The Uchiha Madara riff is intentionally ironic, these two don't realise that yet. The next use of mokuton is even gratuitous, but I could justify it as a way to lighten the mood between them. Plus hey, who doesn't want to see Kakashi covered in wisteria petals? I picked wisteria both for the reason Tenzo mentions, that it's got no relation to when he first had mokuton blossom on him, and also because wisteria blossom really is beautiful. In contrast to cherry blossoms, they're also associated with long life because wisteria plants can live for over 100 years. There's one that might be 1200 years old in Japan, which is pretty mind blowing, although almost a baby compared to some really ancient Redwoods. 

Really into the imagery of the wisteria casting shadows over Kakashi while they're doing this. Shadow and light together! Also Kakashi lingering on Tenzo's scars when undressing him, because they're part of his history too. Plus the petals everywhere. 

The sex lube no jutsu was a cheat. I didn't want the scene to pause for lube and I thought it'd be funny if Kakashi has been up to making weird jutsus that are kind of a waste of his limited chakra but he enjoys the impact of. 

It's shown up in multiple chapters but I haven't talked about why I have Kakashi getting embarrassed by actual, verbal dirty talk. So, I'll talk about it here and provide my reasoning behind this characterisation. It goes against the characterisation of him in some fanworks where he's a raging pervert, but I have my reasons. While Kakashi is constantly reading porn on screen, he's never shown perving on actual people like other characters (cough Naruto, Jiraiya) do. There's a scene where Jiraiya is estimating the size of Tsunade's bust and Kakashi is shown to be embarrassed by the conversation and not interested in it at all. When he does have to read bits of Icha Icha Tactics out for code breaking purposes in the Pain Arc, he nearly dies of embarrassment. So I view his reading of Icha Icha being a mixture of it being a protective shield that stops people from asking about his personal life, and also that he likes reading it but his real life comfort level with dirty talk and sexual talk in general is lower than his reading habits suggest. That's why I have him consistently getting embarrassed by dirty talk. 

"Ha. You've got wood." I couldn't resist this stupid joke.

I like Tenzo's musing on the nature of his relationship with mokuton, and reflecting on it, I think it works a lot better here than my original attempt in Part Two that I cut. Tenzo having this power that isn't his, that he's not supposed to have but ended up with anyway and is making the best of is something I've always liked about him. It's a nice parallel to Kakashi's Sharingan. 

The petals and bubbles of water in the onsen is a not very subtle illusion to the transient nature of things. It's a vague attempt at 'mono no aware', or for a phrase that's actually used in English, 'this too shall pass'. Which comes from both Sufi poets and Jewish folklore. To go back a couple of paragraphs, I got more explicit with that thought with "The sun is still bright through the windows, not yet dipping down below the horizon. It feels like they have all the time in the world. They don't, they never do, but they have this at least." That's not subtle at all but it ties into this theme.

More Tenzo obsessing over Kakashi's hands, and he's got that he's self-conscious about them without realising why. Oh, Tenzo. Fortunately next chapter, you'll finally work out why that's happening. 

In the original outline, this confession was a lot more detailed. Writing it I realised I wanted it to be more simple and direct. There's no big lead up to it, just Kakashi deciding it's the right moment to tell Tenzo properly that he loves him. It's also a very Kakashi kind of confession, right up to the self-loathing for making Tenzo wait so long. I think it was the right choice to leave it as just dialogue at the end. Kakashi's face isn't doing much during this, but his heart is.


	5. Part Four

# Part Four: The Reveal

Ooooh, here it is. The pay-off for all that's come before. The title is pretty self-evident so I'll leave it at that. This was going to be the final chapter when I first outlined it, but after finishing that outline and letting it rest, I wanted one more chapter. So this ended up not being the end, although if a reader chose not to read the final chapter, it's a suitable end point.

> Clear and loud  
>  As the night call  
>  Of a man of Haya,  
>  I told you my name.  
>  Trust me as your wife.

Hitomaro Hakashuu

Hah, I always meant to put a little explanatory note for this poem somewhere in the author notes, but I didn't. So the anthology I read this translation in had these two endnotes for this poem, which are very relevant to why I picked this poem. The poem is from the Nara period, so it's old. Like, before 740AD old.  
The Haya were a tribe from Southern Kyushu that were renowned for having very clear voices and so were used as watchmen in the Imperial Court. A woman 'told her name' to signify her assent to a proposal for marriage. As soon as I read that I went 'oh that is perfect I have to use it'. It also paralleled the names on hands thing, which was nice. 

This chapter really sticks to the outline I wrote. The main change is only Naruto showing up to bother Kakashi, originally Sakura and Sai were there too and it was immediately after the Tenchi Bridge mission instead of a couple of days later. This way I avoided having to go into a lot of detail that canon already covered, which wouldn't be very interesting for me to rehash here. I did consider when I was first thinking about, having Kakashi notice it in the shower and then run over to Tenzo's to check what was going on. I decided it was more interesting to have it go like this, plus it allowed for some Naruto & Kakashi interaction.

Naruto is super bouncy here, and so excited to start training! It's endearing. The destiny talk was a way to move towards the soulmate marks, but it felt like a natural way to get there because wondering if he could have done more for Sasuke is playing a lot on Naruto's mind around this time. And really, throughout Shippuden. 

"With someone else it'd seem unlikely, but the force of Naruto's personality makes it possible. Naruto can almost make Kakashi feel like that most unlikely of things: an optimist." Yes, witness the power of a shounen protagonist in action! I like Naruto's ability to make motivational speeches strong enough to change destiny, which is good because otherwise this canon would be quite difficult for me. Talk no jutsu!

Kakashi accidentally walking into an own goal here by asking Naruto about his soulmate is an example of 'he really should have known better than to draw attention to it', but I think it shows that Kakashi no longer cares that he doesn't have a soulmate name or if he's keeping Tenzo away from his soulmate in action too. I went for it being Hinata for simplicity sake, plus I rather like the pairing. 

I got a really interesting comment from a reader about this scene, and about how they found it violating when Naruto grabbed Kakashi and forced him to reveal his name. They also said that Naruto probably wouldn't understand appropriate behaviour and that the status quo between Kakashi and Yamato would have continued, but they would have liked him to receive a talk about how it wasn't okay behaviour.  
Honestly, it wasn't something I thought of when I was writing this. It's interesting how differently someone else can see something you wrote and gives you a different perspective on it. Yes, they did have a talk to Naruto about that afterwards.  
(If you are that commenter reading this and would like me to remove this section, please let me know and I will ASAP. I have my email address on my profile so you can contact me privately.)

Naruto is trying to read it upside down. If he'd read it the right way around, he would have seen it was Yamato, but hey, genius at work here. 

I like the flash of all the times Tenzo's right hand has touched and helped Kakashi. The mixture of the violent and the peaceful, the balance of their lives.

So why was it Yamato instead of Tenzo? Well, from a writer's POV, there wouldn't be much of a story otherwise hahahaha. For actual plot wrangling, Yamato is his final name, the one he's going to keep from here on and that's why it's the one that shows up on Kakashi's hand.

The final entering through a window, teamed this time with leaving through a window! It's 100% for the drama on this occasion. Yamato is just quietly watering his plants and then Kakashi shows up like this. He definitely wonders if someone's died or Naruto's done something stupid (which hah, he did). 

The questions Kakashi tries to ask about his soulmate name and Yamato has no idea what he's talking about was kind of mean of me, but I also found it really funny. He would think it was some sort of head injury that made Kakashi show up and start asking weird questions about his hands and name. The 'My hand? As long as I can remember' is such a funny answer to a serious question in a relatively serious moment, but he is trying his best. 

The discussion with Naruto also allowed him to realise why Yamato didn't know before without having to go into detail about it. Also so I could have this parallel. "Then, suddenly, just like when Kushina accidentally revealed the absence of a name so long ago, Naruto accidentally revealed that he did have one after all." Like mother, like son. 

I still really like this reveal. Yamato just being completely overwhelmed, then doubting himself, then being reassured by his name on Kakashi's hand and then deciding that actually, it doesn't really matter. Kakashi is right that it's a big deal considering he never had one before, but Yamato has a point that considering Kakashi picked him when he thought he had nobody, it doesn't matter that much. 

"Kakashi, if I had someone else's name on my hand, I would still love you instead of them. If I did it again, I would pick you again. I would love you over." He's being honest here, he really would. The last line is a tribute to Like Dylan in The Movies by Belle and Sebastian, because that verse seemed very fitting when I heard it while planning out this chapter. The full lines are

> Yeah, you're worth the trouble and you're worth the pain  
>  You're worth the worry, I would do the same  
>  If we all went back to another time  
>  I will love you over.

"Maybe they were all correct after all? His father, Kushina, Minato, Rin, those strangers, even Tenzo. It didn't really matter after all. The lack of a name didn't stop his life, didn't stop him from finding people who could help him fill the hole left in him by death. Tenzo is part of that, name or no name." The hole left in him by death line was one I thought was really important. Kakashi has lost so many people and I really wanted to show that the people he's gathered around him are part of recovering from those losses, as much as anyone recovers from grief.

I enjoyed coming up with Kakashi's excuses for blowing off Yamato's wedding proposal. Particularly the trophy wife comment, oh, Kakashi. He just needs some space to think about it, marriage isn't something to be rushed into. Plus, he's not saying no, just...not right now. 

I wanted to end this on a positive note, so that's why it ends with everyone getting ramen together and Kakashi squeezing Yamato's hand under the table, knowing that they have each other's names on their hands after all. Also, Kakashi's earlier statement about the person who has your name on your hand being the one who picks up your tab in restaurants? Proven absolutely true in this chapter.

Or at least, I thought I wanted to end on that kind of note. Then I had an idea for another chapter.


	6. Part Five and Outro

# Part Five: After

Ah, the extra chapter. I really wanted to deal with the consequences of the Pain Arc on their relationship. The previous chapter left everything on a positive and breezy note, but in canon they were about to head into a very serious arc for them. Kakashi dies, and though he comes back, that's bound to impact on them, even without the soulmates thing on the table, which it now is. There were also a couple of plot threads I wanted to tie up before the end too. Like my author notes says, it's not a downer ending but it's more mixed and the soulmate thing is more complicated than Yamato previously said it was. And Yamato gets to cry like he didn't get to in canon.

> A thousand years, you said,  
>  As our hearts melted.  
>  I look at the hand you held,  
>  And the ache is hard to bear.

Lady Heguri

Kakashi came back, but what if he hadn't. That's part of why I picked this poem, as well as the reference to hands.

The manga has his grumbling about building being draining as a joke. I'm not objecting to that joke, but I went 'what's the odds of him also pushing himself too hard to try to rebuild Konoha?'

I really like the opening paragraph about dreaming of houses, and the past. The pressure of rebuilding when you can be the one to fix it fast, you are the only one who can fix it fast and make it better, and you have already let so many people down. All the work he needs to do, and yet in the background lurk his past and his emotions, which he still hasn't dealt with and recent events are making worse. 

Yamato isn't prone to chakra exhaustion like Kakashi is, since he doesn't have mokuton constantly draining his chakra like the Sharingan does, but he's certainly had it before. In this case, I also think he's picked up a cold of some sort and not realised it because of the chakra exhaustion. Kind of hard to tell more general fatigue from illness apart from chakra exhaustion while experiencing it.

I thought this would be a good chance to link back to the past he doesn't remember, which is why it flashes back to something the reader's seen before but Yamato no longer remembers consciously. From there, it's not a stretch to have him thinking of the experiments, and for it to hit him with the full focus it's not had in years thanks to his hard working forgetting and yes, repressing it. 

There wasn't a lock on Yamato's earlier memories put there by Orochimaru during the experiments. The experiments probably didn't help him preserve his earlier memories either, beyond normal loss of early childhood memories as he aged, but they weren't intentionally suppressed either by external means. A lot of it was Yamato wanting to forget his past. It wasn't like there was much he wanted to hold onto, and it would be easier to survive in Root by having nothing else to compare it to.

"Kinoe never dealt with it, he buried it so he could survive. Tenzo never dealt with it, he buried it so he could survive. Yamato is the version of him that can't dodge it any further, can't bury it again. He has survived." Part of why it's hitting him now, instead of earlier, and while he's feeling so vulnerable. Yamato has lost so much, too, and he doesn't even remember how much he's lost. I feel really deeply for him here. 

Kakashi stopping what he's doing and just asking him why he's crying is kind of funny, because until that moment, Kakashi is running on auto-pilot and then shit, Tenzo is crying and he's never seen him cry before. Ever. Kakashi is basically blue screening at this point while Yamato realises he is, in fact, crying. 

"His mother abandoning him within an hour of his birth, not loving him enough to not leave him at the mercy of strangers." When I do the mini-sequel to this, this is going to be one of the things Yamato has to properly deal with in his search. How much he still wants that and yet how much he still resents both of his parents for abandoning him too. 

The parallel between Yamato and Kabuto is interesting. I think on an intellectual level, Yamato was of course aware of it, but it hadn't hit him emotionally until this point. How close that was to being him, how he never would have had the chance to meet Kakashi then and therefore to have the life he's living. It's a strange life sometimes but it's his and he got to choose it. 

Again, the crying forces an issue that otherwise, they might have not got around to discussing. Yamato wanted to avoid making Kakashi feel bad about his death, and Kakashi is just relieved that he did really care that much about him dying, even if he's not worth that level of care. Oh, and Yamato telling Kakashi about the experiments, which is something Kakashi is very interested in knowing about, and anything else Yamato has of his past, because it belongs to him. 

I love Kakashi's little in the moment decision to propose to him right there and then. He's been thinking about it seriously in the lead up to this chapter, but no, this was not how he expected to do it, but like the love confession, it just felt right. 

"Is it because he's happy? He's been happy a lot of times and never cried from it, but the thought of being part of a family, a small one but his, is something even stronger. It's more than the soulmate bond, something he still doesn't understand. This is part of a deeper longing, for somewhere to belong, for people to belong with. A family. A home. Ever since his mother put him on that doorstep - he's sure now she was a ninja, that it was her vest that he was wrapped in, even if there's no way he'll find her now - knocked and ran." This is so sad but so sweet at the same time.

"I accept. Please look after me from now on." Classic way to respond to a marriage proposal in Japanese. 

The dream! This is actually a flashback too. The sanderlings are there because I love watching them running in and out of the sea. The standing on one leg is something I wondered myself when I first saw a sanderling doing it, and I also had someone else ask me about that when we were at the beach together after I published this. So while not intentional, it does remind me of that. 

"The air smells of salt and seaweed, and the water is so blue and bright. It feels new, like this is the first time he has seen the sea. It is calm, a boat rides it on the horizon, nets hang out over its side. He read books about storms, of crashing waves, but it looks so peaceful. He wants to jump in, let the water envelop him, but he can't. He is working but he longs for the sea, itches for it. He looks at the sea, the sanderlings, then at his feet sinking into the sand, and wonders why."  
So, this paragraph! This was a call back to "But he [Tenzo's father] was impossible to read again. Like trying to see what's lurking in the sea under its calm from the shore." Metaphorically, Yamato is seeing his father and wants to know him, but he can't from where he is. Trapped by his work, his sensei and by the fact that he's unknowable now. The urge to jump into the water is partly childish enthusiasm because it's a nice day, but it's also that tendency towards water chakra, not as strong as the call of earth chakra but still there, calling out to him. Which again, is something he got from the father he never knew. So it's both a dream about Yamato's past, but also unknowingly, about his father too. Maybe in a way he's reaching out from the afterlife to his son with love, saying 'hey, it'll be fine in the end. You can handle this, you're stronger than you realise.'

Of course Yamato would never make this connection by himself, which is why it doesn't come up in the story itself.

In the original outline, Naruto and Sakura were also present in this scene along with Sai. I didn't even finish outlining it however. Naruto's presence made the whole thing dissolve into a manic farce so quickly that I had to scrap it. Too much SHOUTING even before they found out about the proposal and then Naruto shouted a LOT in a mixture of confusion and excitement. It really didn't match the mood I was going for in this chapter, so I had to cut him out, and by extension Sakura too. Sorry guys! Assume that the EXCITED SHOUTING happened later on when Yamato was recovered enough to cope with it. Sai got to stay because I could trust him to be a professional and not ruin the whole scene by overreacting. 

"You know, it's depressing to see you wake up and immediately call out another man's name."

"You'll live, Kakashi-senpai. What is it Captain?" Pfffft, oh Sai. I love you. See also: "I understand congratulations are in order? Congratulations to both of you. I don't understand why you would celebrate signing a legal contract together, but apparently you do." 

Sai would probably like to push Yamato to recover more quickly to get back to work, but there is no way Kakashi is letting that happen. Sometimes, you gotta be an overprotective fiancee. This is probably a couple of hours before they find out Danzo is the next Hokage and that whole arc kicks off. It's really a short breather before the next set of problems arise.

This final part I wrote in about an hour once I started on it, it came so quickly. It was one of those writing moments where I knew exactly what I wanted to write and it came easily. Despite the heavy subject matter, it was an enjoyable experience. I wanted to give Kakashi a chance to talk about his conversation with Sakumo with Yamato, and also expand on it from what we saw in canon. Did I want Sakumo to apologise for leaving him alone, but also to know that Kakashi wasn't alone when he died? Yup. While Sakumo did a number on Kakashi by committing suicide, I feel bad for him being backed so far into a corner that he thought it was the only choice he could make to fix it. 

"And for inviting me into your family to make our own. We can start something new." Yeah, this was the core of this chapter. Both of them dealing with their feelings about family, their grief. Coming to a place where they could share that and then go forward together as a new family of their own into, uh, well what canon was about to throw at them.

"You too, huh? That's okay. Take as long as you need." This line was the very last one I wrote, and remained untouched through all the edits. It really sums up their relationship. Take as long as you need. I'll be there. I love you.

* * *

## Outro

Wow, just like the original fic itself, this commentary took longer than I expected. I'm going to be amazed if anyone reads the whole thing, it's very long. If you did read all of this (or even part of it), thank you! 

Rereading this, and not in a context of editing it, has been a good experience. It's been interesting to read this with fresh eyes and after writing other things. Also god, I love this pairing, I am in Kakashi/Yamato hell forever. I'm a lot happier than I expected with it, but then, I wrote this because it was a story I wanted to write. So that's probably a good thing. I've also received some really lovely comments on this from readers who made it all the way through, which made it feel worth it too.

Reading the original endnote to this is interesting. I call this fic in the final endnote a very patient companion in weird times, which it was, and it also turned out to a conclusion of sorts to that period in my life. I was going to fly shortly after writing this, and I had this need to finish this and post it before I did. I thought it was my fear of flying (which it kinda was) but I also had a couple of big but good changes in my life shortly afterwards. I won't go into detail, but if I hadn't finished this fic before it happened, I'm not sure I would have. I had a feeling that might happen, even without concrete proof and it did. (No, it was not a baby. I realise it sounds like that but it was not.)

I am going to write that mini-sequel after rereading this. It's been an on-off thought since I wrote this and I think it's time to make it happen. It'll be out sometime in 2021. 

I don't know how to end this, so I'll quote the old text they used to give you when shutting down old versions of Windows: it is now safe for you to shut down your computer (or the tab you're reading this in).


End file.
